FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE

"PARTNER OF THE PERSON TRANSITIONING"

 

 

9 Ways to support your transitioning partner

By Joe Rissacher.

“A conflicting time filled with both emotional turmoil and happiness, choosing to transition from the gender identity you were prescribed at birth to the one that feels authentically like yourself can be straining on a relationship.”

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​Episode 7: Medical Transition: Top Surgery

By Jake and Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between. Podcast, Season 1, Episode 7. Feb 2020.  (Alberta)

“In this episode we talk about Jake’s path to top surgery and his experiences of the procedure and the recovery process. We also discuss the role of the partner and Meaghan Ray’s experience during each stage of this process.”

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Episode 8: Legal transition

By Jake and Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between. Podcast, Season 1, Episode 8.  Feb 2020.

“We start by talking about Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on top surgery because we didn’t have time in the previous episode. Then we talk about Jake’s process of changing his legal name and gender marker, Meaghan Ray’s role as his partner through that process, and Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on potentially changing their name and gender marker in the future. This is the last episode in this series which has focused on the various stages of transition as we have experienced them so far.“

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Finding support

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Nov 2018.  (Alberta)

“Whether you’re the one trying to figure out your gender or you partner is questioning theirs, you need a support system. This can come in many forms. Below are a few of the types of support I have found useful.  I think of support as a two way street. Ways that you are participating, communicating with others, where they know who you are. I think of resources as something you look at where the person who put it out there doesn’t know who you are. This post is about support. If you’re looking for resources, also useful but less personal, see my resources page.”

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Further reading

By Distinction Support. Supporting partners of transgender/non binary people.

Media articles, podcasts, etc - list of resources.

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Gender transition as a hero's journey

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Nov 2021.  (Alberta)

Followed by "My hero's journey, so far" blog post.

"The heroes in our favourite stories all start out as ordinary people. Their journeys often follow a similar pattern as they face trials and tribulations, discover their inner strength, and return triumphant. Joseph Campbell orginally described this story arc using 17 stages (and fairly problematic language). It has since been revised into 12 stages, most recently by Christopher Vogler.

    As it turns out, these stages match the emotional stages of a gender transition pretty closely. Which means trans people are all heroes or heroes-in-training!

Here’s how it looks:

    There are three parts: Departure (the beginning), Initiation (the middle), and Return (the end). These are broken down into the 12 stages.

    The journey starts with the hero in the ordinary world living in a harsh and unforgiving external light in a state of unhappiness, stress, ignorance, and/or confusion.

They move to a new, extraordinary, or special world during the Initiation phase. Here they move through darkness as they struggle to discover their own internal source of light.

    They then return to the ordinary world in a state of triumph and rebirth, having learned how to shine brightly from withinwith. They now have a new perspective, skill, or, in our case, identity.

    As I was thinking about the steps in the Hero’s Journey and lining them up with the experience of gender transition, it was interesting how easy it was to see. Some of the original wording even makes sense without changing much except the context."

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Help! My partner just told me they’re trans!

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Oct 2018.   (Alberta)

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I know who you are, but what am I?  A partner’s perspective on transgender love
by Ali Sands 2016.  Autobiography.
“With a refreshing voice of raw honesty and vulnerability, Ali Sands journaled her search for identity as her partner physically transitioned from female to male. Beginning with the awareness that her partner is transgender, through hormone therapy and multiple surgeries, Ali and her partner experienced many physical and emotional changes.

    In this courageous and gripping memoir, Ali shares her experiences as she navigates her partner’s transition. Holding strong to her love for her partner and her belief in her own truths, Ali persevered through family rejection and found that chosen family supported her journey. She also grew an enduring love and power found in committing to an ever-changing relationship. A poignant and searching account of a brave woman who almost lost her own identity even as she helped the love of her life establish his.”

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​Love lives here: A story of thriving in a transgender family
by Amanda Jetté Knox. 2019.  Autobiography.  (Ontario)

(Amanda has since transitioned as a trans man and is now known as Rowan Jetté Knox.)

​” An inspirational story of accepting and embracing two trans people in a family – a family who shows what’s possible when you 'lead with love.' All Amanda Jetté Knox ever wanted was to enjoy a stable life. She never knew her biological father, and while her mother and stepfather were loving parents, the situation was sometimes chaotic.

     At school, she was bullied mercilessly, and at the age of fourteen, she entered a counselling program for alcohol addiction and was successful. While still a teenager, she met the love of her life. They were wed at 20, and the first of three children followed shortly. Jetté Knox finally had the stability she craved – or so it seemed.

     Their middle child struggled with depression and avoided school. The author was unprepared when the child she knew as her son came out as transgender at the age of eleven. Shocked, but knowing how important it was to support her daughter, Jetté Knox became an ardent advocate for trans rights.”

Rowan is an award-winning writer, human rights advocate and public speaker.

** The author has since transitioned as a trans man and is now known as Rowan Jetté Knox.  Click to go to Rowan's WEBSITE.

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My hero's journey, so far

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Nov 2021.  (Alberta)

"Here is how my gender journey lines up with the Hero’s Journey. Missed my previous post about Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey? Check that out first and then come back to read my story.

ORDINARY WORLD

    When my husband started being identified as a man by strangers, their ingrained heteronormative views told them that I must be a woman. I started getting treated as more feminine when we were together and this didn’t sit right with me.

    I had never been comfortable with the term lesbian, and instead had always called myself gay or queer.

    In grade 10 I had a gender fluid experience where I would feel like a boy named Ray for a few days every few weeks, shifting back to feeling like a girl named Meaghan in between.

    I grew up in a very liberal and supportive environment but at the inception of my gender journey I had moved away and was working in a more conservative and very hetero- and cis-normative environment.

CALL TO ADVENTURE

    Part way through my husband’s transition, I realized that I was definitely experiencing dysphoria as well. We had been attending local Pflag meetings and had been listening to people describe a range of identities and experiences. Some of these, especially the more androgenous, gender neutral, gender fluid, and nonbinary ones, really resonated with me."

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My husband’s transition – A partner’s perspective (Part 1 – Exploration)

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Jul 2018.  (Alberta)

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My husband’s transition: A partner perspective (Part 2: Social transition)

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Jul 2018.  (Alberta)

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My husband’s transition: A partner perspective (Part 3: Medical and legal transition)

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Jul 2018.  (Alberta)

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Reaching for hope: Strategies and support for the partners of transgender people

By Suzanne DeWitt Hall. Nov 26, 2021.  Book. 

"Can relationships survive when one partner comes out as transgender? For many couples it isn’t easy. Adjusting to new realities which present themselves takes time, patience, education, and soul searching. The process can feel scary and isolating. Reaching for Hope offers companionship for the journey in the form of reassurance, support, and strategies, all delivered in bite-sized nuggets, so you won’t feel overwhelmed by information.
     Can your relationship survive? That remains to be seen. But this book offers help, if you’re willing to try."

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​The reflective workbook for partners of transgender people – Your transition as your partner transitions

By D.M. Maynard. Jan 2019. Book.   (US)

“Partners of people in transition go through their own transitions and may or may not be conflicted as to whether they will remain in their relationship. This unique self-help workbook was created for and focuses on the partner's perspective and own journey. By providing the support and structure needed for partners to reflect, this resource helps navigate the unexpected transition that affects both of their lives.

     Providing an essential tool that is currently missing, this book gives guidance and advice specifically designed for this situation, alongside activities, quizzes, and personal anecdotes. By combining portions of the author's self-exploration-as the partner of someone who began to transition after 17 years of being in their relationship- with the experiences shared by those who attended her workshops, this workbook examines the challenges, uncertainties, and possible grieving some partners experience throughout the transition process.

     With space for responding to reflective questions, exercises and games, this workbook offers partners a safe haven to discover their own wants and needs and will be of interest to both couples and individual counselors.”

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Resources

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog.  (Alberta)

“The following are a list of resources that I have found useful during my husband’s transition (FTM), during my own gender identity exploration process (non-binary/genderqueer), and during pregnancy and parenting.”

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Resources for significant others, friends, family and allies of transgender people

TransGenderPartners.com website.  (US)

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She said she said: Love, loss, & living my new normal

By Anne M. Reid. Apr 2018. Book.   (US)

“ ‘My husband wanted to be a girl.’ Imagine discovering the love of your life, the father of your three children, the person you devoted your life to and moved halfway across the world to be with, was living a deeply concealed lie. Late one night, without warning, Anne's husband of ten years delivers the news: 'I have gender dysphoria'. Her world shifts in an instant. How could she not know? How could she be so completely oblivious? What does this even mean? 

   Anne begins examining, researching and recording events in an effort to retain some sanity. These events triggle a powerful and intimate memoir. With clarity, empathy and candour, She Said She Said provides the rarely heard voice of the partner of someone going through gender transition. Humour, goodwill and a great deal of personal courage are required - and that was just to get through the first Mother's Day.“

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She’s not the man I married: My life with a transgender husband

by Helen Boyd 2007. Autobiography.  (US)
“Helen Boyd’s partner, who had long been open about cross-dressing, was considering living as a woman full time. Suddenly, Boyd was confronted with the reality of what it would mean if her partner were actually to transition—socially, legally, and medically. As Boyd struggles to understand the nature of marriage, passion, and love, she shares her confusion and anger, providing a fascinating observation of the ways in which relationships are gendered, and how we cope, or don’t, with the emotional and sexual pressures that gender roles can bring to our marriages and relationships. She’s Not the Man I Married is a more expansive examination of gender in relationships for couples of all sexualities and readers who fall anywhere along the gender spectrum.”

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Supporting your partner through transition

By Dylan, a love is respect advocate

“So, your partner just came out to you as transgender. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn’t. Either way, you’re probably feeling a lot of emotions right now. Perhaps some are positive, some are concerning, or maybe you’re just altogether confused; perhaps you’re wondering what you should say or do next.”

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The trans partner handbook: A guide for when your partner transitions

By Jo Green. Aug 2017

“Individuals who transition from one gender to another are often in some degree of a relationship, and over 55% of these relationships endure through the transition process.

   While more resources are emerging for trans people themselves, there is very little information available for their partners. Through first-hand accounts and vignettes of successful partnerships, this book presents detailed descriptions of everything involved in the transition process, with specific guidance for those supporting a partner in transition.

   Topics include disclosure, mental health, coming out, loss and grief, sex and sexuality and the legal, medical and social practicalities of transitioning. In this essential guide, people whose partners are across the transgender spectrum speak out on their own experiences with personal advice and support for others.”

The Trans Partner Handbook provides a wealth of information and ideas, to become more fluent with the terminology and lingo used when discussing trans matters. When you transition, everyone around you does too. It's a time of adjustment for all. This book is absolutely jam-packed full of information on the topic of being trans, particularly for those at the start of their transition. -- Fox Fisher, Trans activist and author of Are You a Boy or Are You a Girl?
The Trans Partner Handbook is just that - a step-by-step guide for how to approach a partner transitioning. Jo Green addresses this topic with sincerity, honesty, and openness, weaving together their experiences with those of other partners of trans people to paint a picture of the breadth of challenges and joys a partner's transition can bring. -- Laura Erickson-Schroth, author of Trans Bodies, Trans Selves
The essential topics in this handbook offer critical information that trans partners can use throughout their partner's transition. -- D.M. Maynard, Author and Educator”

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Trans wisdom: The power of community

“Community has experiencial knowledge”

By Meaghan Ray. Purple and Green and the Life In Between blog post. Apr 2021.  (Alberta)

“Many things in life, including transitioning, are difficult, complex, and not well understood by the general public. Navigating these experiences is difficult in part because there is so little information available about what to expect, what to avoid, and what resources are available and helpful.

   Communities are full of people who have gone there before you. They have way more knowledge and information that is tried, tested, and true than any professional or google search can provide. The bigger the community, the wider the range of experiences and suggestions you will find and the more likely you will find something that works for you.”

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